It was around 1:30am by the time I pealed my body off the floor, still chuckling at the thought of what had just taken place. Honestly, I wouldn’t have believed you if you were to tell me at the beginning of the night what would have happened.

It was Friday, and the Fire and Fragrance DTS was having their ministry night. Though we had had ours on Monday I felt like I needed some more Jesus time so I went in. It was honestly a struggle for me. I felt disconnected and the more I felt that way the more I thought about it, and the more I thought about it the more I felt that way. I reasoned for 2 hours as to why I felt like this and what I was doing wrong and what I should be thinking and whether I should be trying harder or just stop trying, whether I should be seeking God or just thanking him, and then I felt bad for getting distracted. Soon enough ministry night was over. And without speaking to anyone I slipped out and got alone with the Lord.

I sat outside of the cafe, as far from anyone else as I could get. I looked up at the sky. I just began to ask the lord what was wrong, and immediately I felt him say, “You just want to be loved.” He was right. That was all I wanted. I spent a tender moment with the Lord, just talking to Him and remembering all the times that he has met me and comforted me. Soon I went back towards where some fire and fragrance students sat and talked. I stayed with them until someone walked over from the prayer room and said, “I’ve never seen that place so swirly.” Apparently there was some wildness going on, so with my FOMO (fear of missing out) kicking in, I rudely left the conversation and walked in.

I’ve never witnessed anything like what I saw. People were laying on the ground. Some crying, most laughing, and many were shaking, and I don’t mean gently swaying to the music; I mean violently jerking around with limbs in somewhat contorted positions. I sat down in a chair and just stared onward in amazement. Yeah, it was weird, but what is weird but what’s not normal? I wanted so much more than the normal. For far too long our weird has been the Bible’s normal. I felt so done with watching all this happen around me without being a part of it. I wanted God. I began to pray and seek Him. A few people came and prayed for me, but still I felt nothing. Like I said in previous posts, I knew I was God’s friend and that was enough. I knew I was his child, and I didn’t have to strive to be right with him. And yet I longed for what I saw going on around me.

As one person prayed for me they reminded me of what my name means. Israel was the name given to Jacob after he had wrestled with God all night. Jacob refused to let go of God until he blessed him, so eventually God did, and thus the name Israel was given to him because he had wrestled with God and prevailed. (Gen 32:22-32).

That’s where I was. For too long I had been missing out on this. I resolved to not stop until he blessed me, and to me that meant encountering God in a physical way like I was seeing happen all around me.

I walked around the room for a couple hours. Praying and watching. People were falling at a rate of about one per minute. I talked to a few people who were still standing, and processed what was going on in my heart. It wasn’t that I doubted it that it was God, but I doubted that God would meet me in that way. One friend told me to ask Holy Spirit what I should do, and what I felt was to just wait and keep asking. So that’s what I did.

By now the band had been gone for about an hour, and the excitement had mostly declined. I sat alone and laid my head back against the carpeted floor. “I want you Holy Spirit” I whispered. A few minutes later a woman I recognized as Maria walked over (She was one of those responsible for starting this whole thing). “Can I pray for you?” she asked. I gladly accepted, assuming it would be like all the other prayers I had received that night.

As she began to pray she let out a loud moan as she tends to do “Woah!! God, he has been waiting for you! He won’t leave until he gets more of you!” Instantly I knew that this was going to be a little different. She kept praying and as she did I felt a sort of peace. My right hand, which hung by my side, began to shake. “Oh wow.” I thought, “Is this actually happening?” my heart began to pound rapidly in my chest. “No, I would not be satisfied with this” I thought, “You’re going to have to do better than this, God.” Right than Maria spoke again “You’re funny… He says you’re going to have to do better than this, God! So give him MORE!!!” I was simultaneously shocked and delighted. I began to just laugh as an uncontrollable smile spread across my lips. My knees began to shake, but I wasn’t about to fall easily; I wasn’t going down without a fight. My chest tightened up and I bent forward. I regained by balance, and then my legs… what happened to my legs!? They were merely bones wrapped in flesh serving no functional purpose. I couldn’t feel or move them but began to tip backwards. I felt hands behind me (praise God for catchers). He held me up though I was giving no support to his efforts. A moment later I was on the ground, laughing and shaking uncontrollably. My hand, like a fish, flapped beside me. I was fully conscious, and wasn’t sure what even sure what to think. I could hear the laughter of others in the prayer room who had all heard my recent complaints of not encountering God. Something I realized was that God was not nearly as concerned with my inability to focus my mind or engage my thoughts as I was. He knew my heart and what I was asking, and with so much love, he answered. Next thing I knew Maria was taking off my sandals, asking for more, and then touching the bottom of my feet, which set me rolling on the floor in laughter. I felt a touch on my stomach (which I later found out to be a friend poking me with his bible) and again I heaved in barrel loads of laughter. I have no idea how long I shook on the floor, but eventually I opened my eyes and was helped up by a friend to see a now empty prayer room. I stumbled back to my room, fell asleep laughing, and woke up with butterflies in my stomach at the thought of the night before.

So yeah… I got slain. I would love to give you some deep theological insight or some profound revelation that I had, but there was none. I think this is the part where I lean not on my own understanding. I simply wrestled with God, and he blessed me.